Contemplations of Friendship

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin

So over the last few weeks I have been slowed down enough in life to actually have the time to contemplate the last year. I have had an amazing year and have continued to knock off a few more goals off my Top 25 in Life list. I have also in the last few days been able to realize how exactly thankful I am for certain people in my life. People, who had I not met them, would not have made me be the person I am, take chances that I normally would have brushed off, or just touch my heart and soul. I am lucky enough to be able to say that I have (or had) these people in my life.

I have been blessed to have people in my life who (prepare for the corny run on sentence):

understand your idiosyncrasies and stories behind them, can tell you that you look beautiful as always when you are standing in line at Caribou and feel absolutely terrible, will answer the phone at 3am for any reason, stay up for 24-48 hours with you in the hospital after they worked a 12 hour shift, will sit with you when you are incredibly ill and advocate for your care, tell you that you are not a terrible person after a loved one uses you as their personal emotional punching bag, make fun of you when you are doped up on narcotics or anytime for that matter, remind you that you are wonderful and tell you not to change, bring you dinner and coffee at the workplace when you desperately need it, can read your mind even when you don't know what you want or need, know something's wrong when you have everyone else fooled, understand and enable your caffeine addictions, have sit down "family" dinners or lunches with, talk in unasyn with and make random people think you are related, have seen you during an emotional breakdown and cry along with you, give some of the best hugs, act absolutely retarded in public without the slightest care, tell you to continue to "sling the mud on the wall," encourage you when everything points in the opposite direction, tell you they love you and mean it, suffer from insanity with you, are your partners in crime, encourage you to take chances and spread your wings, people who you are totally lost without, they celebrate your imperfections, thank you for making a difference in their life (and them in yours), understand the emotional stress you carry at work/school/whatever, and those you could not, without a doubt, live without.

On Grey's anatomy , Dr. Yang tells Meredith, "You are my person." These aforementioned people are that; they are "the" people- for if they were not in my life, my life would not be as blessed and rich as it is and I am thankful to have them and be beginning a new year with them.

Completion & Thanks

Wow. Where has the time gone? It feels as though I just began my journey through graduate school and now there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I have 173 days until graduation as of today.

Earlier today I completed my oncology residency in the breast oncology clinic here at Duke. I have had nothing, but an incredible experience with my preceptor, Lynn. When I began graduate school, I wanted to eventually end up working in breast oncology and this semester's experience has reinforced that. However, I also still love inpatient land and GI oncology. So, I guess wherever the next few months leads me, that's what direction I will take for however long.

I am still in disbelief that I am nearly done with school. There are moments when I feel like I may be able to take on this new role and tranformation, but then there are those feelings of inadequacy where I do not feel as though I am ready for the task of "the one." Well, whichever the road of life may take me, I know it will be an interesting one. I can without a doubt say that I am grateful for each experience I have had thus far during this journey.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. "
Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Life's Tough, Where a Helmet

A recent event in my life has made me rethink many things I have done over the last few years. This mainly revolves around the busy schedule that I maintain and pushing myself so hard to get through everything I want to achieve. The downside to this is that I miss out on a lot of things in life, as well as burning the candle at both ends, as many people have said to me within this last week. So while I do not regret the path I have taken to get to where I am today, at the same time I wonder what have I sacrificed in order get ahead in life and really at the end of the day and the end of this journey, will it be worth it? Yes, I may have succeeded, but at what cost?

So, I ironically have heard many songs this week while in my travels to clinic, class, and work that have pretty much summed up my thoughts.

"There's gotta be something more. Gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time. I need a little more bliss. I'm gonna take my chances. Taking a chance I might. Find what I'm looking for. There's gotta be something more." -SugarLand

"That's life, if you open up your eyes. You'll find it gets better all the time, time, time. Running out of time. I'm runnin' away. I'm running out of ways of running away. Got to slow down, if you don't, you're gonna breakdown." -SugarLand

"Don't blink. Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps. And you wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife. Don't blink. You just might miss your babies growing like mine did, turning into moms and dads. Next thing you know your better half of fifty years is there in bed. And you're praying God takes you instead. Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster you think. Don't blink." -Kenny Chesney

Lessons Learned

So continuing from the last blog about things I have learned in grad school, I have found even more things...thanks to words of wisdom by those more intelligent than I.

Learn when to say yes and how to say no.
Choose friends carefully: ones who will be honest, supportive, and compassionate.
Toss out junk mail unopened.
Take a break and make time for meals.
Find ways to laugh...and cry.
Don't worry about being Martha Stewart.
Create a sacred space for yourself...at home or in the workplace.
Write down your personal vision statement and core values.
Carve out think time.
Always have a back-up plan.
Become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Reframe how you think about your situation: change your self-talk.
Get organized.
Care for yourself physically.
Forgive yourself.
Ask for help.

And if those things don't quite work, here is my rebuttal:

You-Off my planet!
Errors have been made and others will be blamed.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
I just want revenge...is that so wrong?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is done.

Things I never thought I would learn in graduate school...

Okay, so I came into graduate school thinking I would expand my nursing and medical knowledge. That's it, nothing more. However, I was wrong, terribly and hilariously wrong.

1. You may become friends with the most unlikely people.
2. You will learn to better appreciate the simplicity of life.
3. You not only suffer from insanity, but enjoy it and use it for both good and evil.
4. It is humanly possible to live off of a diet of coffee, expresso, Red Bull, cereal, and diet soda.
5. There are diagnoses that do not and will not ever have ICD 9 billing codes.
6. You will learn to have the most incredible poker face that even the professionals can't break.
7. Exhaustion is a way of life and can be used for personal enjoyment and entertainment.
8. Laptops, notebooks, and textbooks can make wonderful pillows.
9. You will still have no idea what you want to be when you grow up...if you grow up.
10. Feeling totally inept is a good thing and quite normal...congrats.
11. The more mud you sling on the wall, the more that will stick.
12. Sanity is madness put to good use.
13. Life will always throw you curveballs and those may be just the thing or person you need to be your saving grace.

There are many other random pearls of information that I have acquired since embarking on my journey in graduate school. However, many of those pearls are not appropriate for public knowledge nor would most people understand them the first two or fifteen times around.

Nike Words of Wisdom

Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one. -Nike

A woman is often measured by the things she cannot control. She is measured by the way her body curves or doesn't curve, by where she is flat or straight or round. She is measured by 36-34-36 and inches and ages and numbers, by all the outside things that don't ever add up tp who she is inside. And so, if a woman is to be measured, let her be measured by the things she can control, by who she is and who she is trying to become. Because as every woman knows, measurements are only statistics and statistics lie. -Nike

DO NOT RESIST CHANCES. Take them like vitamins. Let go of the brakes. See what happens if you go five more miles. Footbridges be damned, find your own way across. Don't worry about the bumps and bruises. Your body can take them. Don't steer around the bits that scare you, go over them, go through them. Do something the guys in the bowling league would be terrified of. You feel your chin rise up from your chest, and you'll be able to see what's around you. What's ahead of you. And there will be one less thing you cannot do. -Nike

I don't want fifteen minutes of fame. I want a life. I want to choose the best. I know the best are selectively chosen. I don't want to work for a company. I want to build one. But the rest of my goals are long term. The results of my day to day determination. I redefine the word consistency. Along the way there will be moments of brilliance. I will be sure to make them all count. I am sure the moments will add up to something greater. A record of excellence. A plaque in a hall. I will always believe in the ideal. Ideally, the best. I hope to be remembered. Not just recalled. I hope to make a difference. I hope that someday everyone would just do it. -Nike