I'm the Narrator and This Is Just the Prologue

As I am nearing the end of my grad school career (thank goodness), I am having to come to some serious life altering decisions, mainly where to next? I feel as though it is only recently that I have become comfortable in my practice as a nurse just as I am about to wipe out face first into the sand so to speak. I have been riding that comfortable wave of balancing school and work and not really focusing outside of the two for so long that once I graduate I fear that I may not be overwhelmed, but feel a loss. However, the positives in this are that I can revisit some of the activities that I have enjoyed in the past: volunteering for Habitat, playing softball, golf, going to the beach more often, church, etc. Things that I have put off to the side that I once brought me joy.

Well this all sounds well and good, but at present it is not. Currently I am having a bit of a dilemma during my quest for an advanced pratice position. I thought I had found the perfect job, well actually it had come to me.Things were going smoothly: I had shadowed in clinic, had a few heart to hearts with the NP and MDs, talked with administration, etc. Well, during all of this and being the well-rounded person I like to think I am, I decided that it would be to my benefit to interview for other positions to get the experience. Well, this has backfired big time. I know find myself in the middle of two phenomenal positions with amazing attendings. The dilemma: the second position offers more intellectual stimulation in my research interest and passion, enables me to work side by side with an amazing attending who is also head of the program, and exposes me to a world in oncology that I have always wondered about. Both sounds fantastic, right? Wrong. One of these would result in me leaving my place of comfort, my home, Duke. It also leaves me with the chance of losing some of my most prized friends, colleagues, and mentors. However, it also entitles me to going to a place where there are no predetermined expectations of me, except those of any advanced practice nurse. However, should I stay at Duke, there is a plethora of people with expectations of what I am to become as an advanced practice nurse, i.e. my fate at Duke is already predetermined by the powers that be and I'm not talking about spirituality here, I am talking about my superiors in the health system.

Now these expectations have their own set of pros and cons. See, I have spent the last 2.5, almost three, years working my butt off and networking to secure my place in my specialty and opportunity for advancement within it. Now I have connections throughout the oncology system at Duke, have met some amazing people who have helped me grow as a person, nurse, student, etc, and know how the system works. Makes sense, right? It's great...sometimes. Enter the flip side of these expectations: I am viewed as "the baby" of the oncology NP program at present, many people want to have an impact on my growth and development as an advanced practice nurse (not always a bad thing), and they expect me to be at a higher level than other new graduate advance practice nurses because of the experiences I have had at Duke.

My dilemma in short form: my heart and my brain cannot come to a concensus on my next step in life. So, "if all of the strength and all of the courage" were mine during this time.

"Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire. Be the long awaited answer."

I Watched the Proverbial Sunrise...

33 days until graduation. 33 days until I am done with school for awhile. 33 days until I have to really start making some important decisions that could definitely impact the rest of my life and career path. Wow.

For possibly the first time in my life, I have recently noticed that I am happy. I am stressed over events that have happened in the last few months, but a the same time I am satisfied with where I am in my life at the present. I have my wonderful family, amazing friends, a career that I love, and a world open to possibilities.

After discussions with some people whom I admire most, I realize exactly how blessed I am in life. I am without a doubt grateful for this and have finally learned to cherish it and have an appreciative awareness about it.

So, while I really haven't written any epiphanies in this blog, I hope that reading about my realizations will help you all take a step back and ponder your own world and its greatness.

"At the end of the day: Did I laugh and dance enough? Did I tell my friends how much they really mean to me? At the end of the day: Did I really push myself or was I too afraid to give my heart away? At the end of the day." -Kellie Coffey

26.2 for a Cure

Hey Everyone!

As you may know, in a short time (May!), I will be graduating with my master’s degree from Duke University. I am pursuing my Masters of Science in Nursing in the role of an adult oncology nurse practitioner and clinical nurse specialist - yes, double major - insane! I also work full-time at Duke University Hospital on one of the adult oncology units, specializing in solid tumors (i.e. cancers of the breast, lung, colon, etc).

In the midst of all of this, I have begun to run more often for fun and fitness, usually running in local 5K and 10K races for various charities, mainly the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure and the Free to Breathe 5K for lung cancer.

So, you are probably wondering where all of this extraneous information leads. Well, I will be running a marathon - 26.2 miles! Now you are asking yourself-“Is she nuts?” Why possibly so.
Before I get too far off track, let me explain. The Rock ‘N’ Roll marathon is sponsored by The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) and will be in San Diego, CA on June 1st. As a member of Team in Training (a program through LLS), I have a very supportive group of fellow runners and friends, mentors, and coaches to help me through the next four months of miracle working in preparation of the big day.

Guess what! I will be running this with two of my best friends, Sara and Aline. Our training and fundraising have officially begun. I think this will be a great capstone to my graduation from Duke and it's for such a great cause: CANCER RESEARCH! My goal for fundraising is $5000...minimum. I've attached a handout regarding blood cancers and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for you.

So, where do you come in? Let's make a deal: I will take care of the time and effort (...and blisters, leg cramps, bum knees, twisted ankles, groaning, wheezing, and complaining) if you would join me in spirit by contributing a donation. Any amount is helpful and VERY MUCH appreciated. Just return the enclosed form to me by May 15th (don't forget ALL DONATIONS ARE TAX DEDUCTIBLE). I can accept cash, checks, or credit cards. You can also donate on the web at:
http://www.active.com/donate/tntenc/jabanwell

Thanks!!!!!
Jamie

Oh The Melting Pot

Apparently the Melting Pot can bring out the craziness in all of us. However, here is what happens when you send the Blonde (me), the Brunette, and the Crazy Brazilian there for a little Christmas festivities and dessert (also we were a bit punchy all day long).

"PLEASE take your shirt off!" -Sara to me before we go running
"My cherry's defective." -Aline referring to her cherry on the cheesecake
"It's like diabetes in a pot." -Aline referring to the pots
"Wait 'til you put it in your mouth." -Me to Sara referring to the Bailey's & chocolate
"You got a little wrist action going on there." -Sara to Aline as she's spinning her fondue
"I have a small chest." -Me to Sara after we inspect our photo

Lastly:
Me: "I think I'm in DKA."
Aline: "Don't go to sleep."
Sara: "Can someone check my blood glucose."

Contemplations of Friendship

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin

So over the last few weeks I have been slowed down enough in life to actually have the time to contemplate the last year. I have had an amazing year and have continued to knock off a few more goals off my Top 25 in Life list. I have also in the last few days been able to realize how exactly thankful I am for certain people in my life. People, who had I not met them, would not have made me be the person I am, take chances that I normally would have brushed off, or just touch my heart and soul. I am lucky enough to be able to say that I have (or had) these people in my life.

I have been blessed to have people in my life who (prepare for the corny run on sentence):

understand your idiosyncrasies and stories behind them, can tell you that you look beautiful as always when you are standing in line at Caribou and feel absolutely terrible, will answer the phone at 3am for any reason, stay up for 24-48 hours with you in the hospital after they worked a 12 hour shift, will sit with you when you are incredibly ill and advocate for your care, tell you that you are not a terrible person after a loved one uses you as their personal emotional punching bag, make fun of you when you are doped up on narcotics or anytime for that matter, remind you that you are wonderful and tell you not to change, bring you dinner and coffee at the workplace when you desperately need it, can read your mind even when you don't know what you want or need, know something's wrong when you have everyone else fooled, understand and enable your caffeine addictions, have sit down "family" dinners or lunches with, talk in unasyn with and make random people think you are related, have seen you during an emotional breakdown and cry along with you, give some of the best hugs, act absolutely retarded in public without the slightest care, tell you to continue to "sling the mud on the wall," encourage you when everything points in the opposite direction, tell you they love you and mean it, suffer from insanity with you, are your partners in crime, encourage you to take chances and spread your wings, people who you are totally lost without, they celebrate your imperfections, thank you for making a difference in their life (and them in yours), understand the emotional stress you carry at work/school/whatever, and those you could not, without a doubt, live without.

On Grey's anatomy , Dr. Yang tells Meredith, "You are my person." These aforementioned people are that; they are "the" people- for if they were not in my life, my life would not be as blessed and rich as it is and I am thankful to have them and be beginning a new year with them.

Completion & Thanks

Wow. Where has the time gone? It feels as though I just began my journey through graduate school and now there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I have 173 days until graduation as of today.

Earlier today I completed my oncology residency in the breast oncology clinic here at Duke. I have had nothing, but an incredible experience with my preceptor, Lynn. When I began graduate school, I wanted to eventually end up working in breast oncology and this semester's experience has reinforced that. However, I also still love inpatient land and GI oncology. So, I guess wherever the next few months leads me, that's what direction I will take for however long.

I am still in disbelief that I am nearly done with school. There are moments when I feel like I may be able to take on this new role and tranformation, but then there are those feelings of inadequacy where I do not feel as though I am ready for the task of "the one." Well, whichever the road of life may take me, I know it will be an interesting one. I can without a doubt say that I am grateful for each experience I have had thus far during this journey.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. "
Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Life's Tough, Where a Helmet

A recent event in my life has made me rethink many things I have done over the last few years. This mainly revolves around the busy schedule that I maintain and pushing myself so hard to get through everything I want to achieve. The downside to this is that I miss out on a lot of things in life, as well as burning the candle at both ends, as many people have said to me within this last week. So while I do not regret the path I have taken to get to where I am today, at the same time I wonder what have I sacrificed in order get ahead in life and really at the end of the day and the end of this journey, will it be worth it? Yes, I may have succeeded, but at what cost?

So, I ironically have heard many songs this week while in my travels to clinic, class, and work that have pretty much summed up my thoughts.

"There's gotta be something more. Gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time. I need a little more bliss. I'm gonna take my chances. Taking a chance I might. Find what I'm looking for. There's gotta be something more." -SugarLand

"That's life, if you open up your eyes. You'll find it gets better all the time, time, time. Running out of time. I'm runnin' away. I'm running out of ways of running away. Got to slow down, if you don't, you're gonna breakdown." -SugarLand

"Don't blink. Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps. And you wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife. Don't blink. You just might miss your babies growing like mine did, turning into moms and dads. Next thing you know your better half of fifty years is there in bed. And you're praying God takes you instead. Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster you think. Don't blink." -Kenny Chesney