People don't understand. They say it will be fine. They don't understand what it's like to lose the part of you that makes you who you are. The part that is your motivation, your livelihood, your coping mechanism, your passion. People think and comment that it's a good thing. It's a good thing to lose something this important? To lose the sense of control you have in life? Interesting.
It's difficult really. To feel trapped in your own body and mind, to not be able to run free. The fatigue, weakness,and helplessness are overwhelming at times. However, all people can say is "maybe it's for the best" or "you are just overworked." They don't understand what it is like to not be able to do something that is such a large piece of you...and with no end in sight of when these activities can be resumed, when I can get back to my muse.
It's hurts too, to not being able to do anything, both physically and mentally. The aches, the pain, the cramps, the fatigue, looking in the mirror, the exhaustion, the insomnia, the lack of stress relief, the lack of alone moments to think, the time to just be out there without nothing else, no one else.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Who Holds the Stars Up in the Sky
"But I still haven't found what I'm looking for" (U2). In continuation from the last blog, I'm still in search of what is missing, what I'm looking for. Along this search, I have also realized that I am not so sure of things in general. I guess you can cay I am questioning everything. I am not sure of many things right now. This internal uncertainty is making me more introverted, less energetic, and less...happy, which is opposite of my normal hyper, goofy, happy self....the Jamie that 99% of people know.
However, I have discovered a path that may help me recover part of what I feel is missing. To aid me in my journey, as we all know I cannot sit still and do not do well with "free" time, I have decided to go back to floor nursing a few days a month on the weekends. So, while I won't be able to always do my long runs early morning on Saturdays, it will give me something else. I realize that when I worked on 9300, I knew exactly where things stood in my life...for the most part, as somethings you must wait and be patient and some you may never know.
So, in the interim, until I find whatever is missing or my muse as some may call it, I'll just plaster a smile on my face and fake it until it's real again.
"If you happen to find my way, please return it, as it was lost years ago. I imagine by now it's quite rusty." -Whether Man
However, I have discovered a path that may help me recover part of what I feel is missing. To aid me in my journey, as we all know I cannot sit still and do not do well with "free" time, I have decided to go back to floor nursing a few days a month on the weekends. So, while I won't be able to always do my long runs early morning on Saturdays, it will give me something else. I realize that when I worked on 9300, I knew exactly where things stood in my life...for the most part, as somethings you must wait and be patient and some you may never know.
So, in the interim, until I find whatever is missing or my muse as some may call it, I'll just plaster a smile on my face and fake it until it's real again.
"If you happen to find my way, please return it, as it was lost years ago. I imagine by now it's quite rusty." -Whether Man
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Someday we'll know...
"Staying in hell because you know all the street names isn't a healthy way to live." -Anonymous
"If you accept what the culture says, it will drive you into the ground. If you build your life on it, on romance or love or success or being thin or being beautiful, you will crush every person under the weight of your expectations. And you will crush yourself under the weight of expectation. Because, there are lots of things that can come to take away your beauty, to take away whatever it may be. The only way to escape our society's idol systems is to have God's love more than anything else." -Gail Obenour
By creating these incredibly, ridiculously high expectations, you alienate yourself from the world and push people away until you are jaded, bitter, and alone. (yours truly)
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Teilhard de Chardin
"If you accept what the culture says, it will drive you into the ground. If you build your life on it, on romance or love or success or being thin or being beautiful, you will crush every person under the weight of your expectations. And you will crush yourself under the weight of expectation. Because, there are lots of things that can come to take away your beauty, to take away whatever it may be. The only way to escape our society's idol systems is to have God's love more than anything else." -Gail Obenour
By creating these incredibly, ridiculously high expectations, you alienate yourself from the world and push people away until you are jaded, bitter, and alone. (yours truly)
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Teilhard de Chardin
Friday, January 2, 2009
And what if I return half broken?
Wow. 2009. Another year has passed already? Seriously? Well, it's bound to be another exciting year...right? In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is one of those obligatory "new year" blogs.
So as I am laying here in the wee hours of the morning thinking about random things, as seems to be the case most nights. And I'm thinking about the last year and what 2009 may bring.
Well, over the last couple of months the wonderful XM radio has been playing some "older" tunes as it's been converging with Sirius. Now you're probably wondering where this is leading to and if I have really lost my mind. I promise this will come together and not be too random.
So, back to the music. Well one day, on my way to Duke (because where else would I be going) and I came across the song by Keane, "Somewhere Only We Know." More recently, I have not been able to get this song out of my head, but for some reason one of the lyrics always gets changed in my head, despite the fact I know the correct lyrics.
The song is worded as so:
"I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin..."
And so forth and so on, obviously not the complete lyrics, but you get the idea. Now, the song is obviously addressed to some one's object of affection. The refrain “Oh simple thing where have you gone” is quite catchy. However, as I wrote earlier the lyrics most often get changed in my head and what comes to my mind is “Oh simple faith where have you gone?”
Now for a little self psychoanalysis (as most of you fall off of whatever you are sitting on from laughing hysterically). It's funny that this song came on as I was headed to Duke, because as most folks know, I pretty much have lived at Duke a "fair" amount of the last three years and now I am changing a lyric in my brain to make it sound like I am questioning where something important has gone? I mean seriously, is there a correlation?
Correlation? Why yes. I have worked the last few years on something that I thought would make my life complete. In fact, this accomplishment has left me questioning things more and more. I love what I do, the career path I have chosen, and the INCREDIBLE people I have met along the way, but something just feels like it is missing. I feel as though I have this huge void in my life, which I didn't feel until the last few months.
Now, one hypothesis to this void is that since graduation I have been thrown into a life I have never known: life without school. For so many years, 8 actually, I have lived life working full-time and going to school full-time. Since May I have had a few extra things to distract me such as running, my NP boards, credentialing (aka the bane of my existence), and my increased work schedule. Not sure what the other hypotheses might be as this one seems to be a common one amongst the peanut gallery.
Alright, so to bring this full circle. Obviously, I think my "pathway" and "empty land" are Duke because it has been my home for the last few years and I feel the most comfortable and yet most uncomfortable there (I swear it's a happy medium sometimes). The "simple thing," whether it be faith, happiness, a sense of productivity, etc, is what I believe I am searching for and feeling devoid of.
Make sense?
So, unlike any New Year's resolution I have ever made (because normally it is to lose weight, either geared towards grades for school, or some other concrete goal), my New Year's resolution this year is to find out what is missing...what created this void...and what needs to be placed there to fill it. Hopefully this quest will be accomplished before this time next year.
“All my life I believed I knew something. But then one strange day came when I realized that I knew nothing, yes, I knew nothing. And so words became void of meaning. I have arrived too late at ultimate uncertainty.” -Ezra Pound 1885-1972
So as I am laying here in the wee hours of the morning thinking about random things, as seems to be the case most nights. And I'm thinking about the last year and what 2009 may bring.
Well, over the last couple of months the wonderful XM radio has been playing some "older" tunes as it's been converging with Sirius. Now you're probably wondering where this is leading to and if I have really lost my mind. I promise this will come together and not be too random.
So, back to the music. Well one day, on my way to Duke (because where else would I be going) and I came across the song by Keane, "Somewhere Only We Know." More recently, I have not been able to get this song out of my head, but for some reason one of the lyrics always gets changed in my head, despite the fact I know the correct lyrics.
The song is worded as so:
"I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin..."
And so forth and so on, obviously not the complete lyrics, but you get the idea. Now, the song is obviously addressed to some one's object of affection. The refrain “Oh simple thing where have you gone” is quite catchy. However, as I wrote earlier the lyrics most often get changed in my head and what comes to my mind is “Oh simple faith where have you gone?”
Now for a little self psychoanalysis (as most of you fall off of whatever you are sitting on from laughing hysterically). It's funny that this song came on as I was headed to Duke, because as most folks know, I pretty much have lived at Duke a "fair" amount of the last three years and now I am changing a lyric in my brain to make it sound like I am questioning where something important has gone? I mean seriously, is there a correlation?
Correlation? Why yes. I have worked the last few years on something that I thought would make my life complete. In fact, this accomplishment has left me questioning things more and more. I love what I do, the career path I have chosen, and the INCREDIBLE people I have met along the way, but something just feels like it is missing. I feel as though I have this huge void in my life, which I didn't feel until the last few months.
Now, one hypothesis to this void is that since graduation I have been thrown into a life I have never known: life without school. For so many years, 8 actually, I have lived life working full-time and going to school full-time. Since May I have had a few extra things to distract me such as running, my NP boards, credentialing (aka the bane of my existence), and my increased work schedule. Not sure what the other hypotheses might be as this one seems to be a common one amongst the peanut gallery.
Alright, so to bring this full circle. Obviously, I think my "pathway" and "empty land" are Duke because it has been my home for the last few years and I feel the most comfortable and yet most uncomfortable there (I swear it's a happy medium sometimes). The "simple thing," whether it be faith, happiness, a sense of productivity, etc, is what I believe I am searching for and feeling devoid of.
Make sense?
So, unlike any New Year's resolution I have ever made (because normally it is to lose weight, either geared towards grades for school, or some other concrete goal), my New Year's resolution this year is to find out what is missing...what created this void...and what needs to be placed there to fill it. Hopefully this quest will be accomplished before this time next year.
“All my life I believed I knew something. But then one strange day came when I realized that I knew nothing, yes, I knew nothing. And so words became void of meaning. I have arrived too late at ultimate uncertainty.” -Ezra Pound 1885-1972
Sunday, December 21, 2008
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
"Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." -Job 3: 23-26
"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep Have the gates of death been shown to you? What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside?18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this." -Job 38: 16-19
"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep Have the gates of death been shown to you? What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside?18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this." -Job 38: 16-19
Thursday, November 6, 2008
It's Foreign On This Side
And, it's been quite some time since I've posted. The last few months have been a whirlwind as I moved into my new role and to say it's been an adjustment would be an understatement. I've worked in oncology for my entire nursing career thus far, and up until I moved into the NP role, I have always been comfortable with talking about death and dying with my patients. I guess I was comfortable with it because I am comfortable with death; it's natural thing. We all have to do it and it begins as soon as we're born.
However, I have noticed one thing since becoming a NP and achieving "provider" status (scary someone thought I was bright enough for that): While I have talked with patients and their families about the end of life as a NP, I am not as comfortable with it as I was as a staff nurse. It's like someone has turned off the switch inside my brain that allowed me to to this. It would be easy to say that you get more attached to your patients in the outpatient setting because you see them more often, but not necessarily, for I have had many patients and families in the past who I was close with because, not only was I just assigned to them as a nurse, but they allowed me into their world and seeing people when they are at their most vulnerable state is something that is precious and shows the utmost level of trust.
So, why am I all of a sudden unable to deal with death and dying in the same specialty that I have always been in and love? Well, I think I have the answer, as my attending and I discussed this today after we admitted one of our newer patients who was recently diagnosed. We thought he was going to be a routine patient because of his presenting status, and then BAM...all Hell broke loose and his disease took off with aggresion rarely seen in his type of cancer. Afterwards, my doc and I talked about how quickly he had declined and how shocking it was to the both us.
My revelation (and I've had a few this week) is that in my new role as a NP, as a provider, I am essentially in charge of my patients. So ,when things do not go as planned, or as is too often in my specialty, cancer progresses, you feel this sense of guilt and failure to your patients and their families. Yes, I felt this as a staff nurse; you can't help it, but now it really hits. Unfortunately, lately the cycle of our group is that a lot of the patients are progressing and overall not doing well. Therefore, I feel not only the inadequacy of being a new NP, but of also feeling like somehow I've let my patients down and on some level I know it's not true, but it's still there.
"Knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying." -Grey's Anatomy
However, I have noticed one thing since becoming a NP and achieving "provider" status (scary someone thought I was bright enough for that): While I have talked with patients and their families about the end of life as a NP, I am not as comfortable with it as I was as a staff nurse. It's like someone has turned off the switch inside my brain that allowed me to to this. It would be easy to say that you get more attached to your patients in the outpatient setting because you see them more often, but not necessarily, for I have had many patients and families in the past who I was close with because, not only was I just assigned to them as a nurse, but they allowed me into their world and seeing people when they are at their most vulnerable state is something that is precious and shows the utmost level of trust.
So, why am I all of a sudden unable to deal with death and dying in the same specialty that I have always been in and love? Well, I think I have the answer, as my attending and I discussed this today after we admitted one of our newer patients who was recently diagnosed. We thought he was going to be a routine patient because of his presenting status, and then BAM...all Hell broke loose and his disease took off with aggresion rarely seen in his type of cancer. Afterwards, my doc and I talked about how quickly he had declined and how shocking it was to the both us.
My revelation (and I've had a few this week) is that in my new role as a NP, as a provider, I am essentially in charge of my patients. So ,when things do not go as planned, or as is too often in my specialty, cancer progresses, you feel this sense of guilt and failure to your patients and their families. Yes, I felt this as a staff nurse; you can't help it, but now it really hits. Unfortunately, lately the cycle of our group is that a lot of the patients are progressing and overall not doing well. Therefore, I feel not only the inadequacy of being a new NP, but of also feeling like somehow I've let my patients down and on some level I know it's not true, but it's still there.
"Knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying." -Grey's Anatomy
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What's In Your Wallet?
Randy Pausch: Oct. 23, 1960 - July 25, 2008
Randy Pausch passed away July 25th at his family home in Chesapeake, Virginia. He had been fighting pancreatic cancer for the last two years. He is easily the most inspirational man I have ever heard speak and I am sure he will be greatly missed. However, his words, made famous by his "last lecture" will live on forever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjZwhcWY-KE
Randy Pausch passed away July 25th at his family home in Chesapeake, Virginia. He had been fighting pancreatic cancer for the last two years. He is easily the most inspirational man I have ever heard speak and I am sure he will be greatly missed. However, his words, made famous by his "last lecture" will live on forever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjZwhcWY-KE
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