trying to be everything will make you lose your mind

Watch "Innocent - Our Lady Peace (With Lyrics)" on YouTube

Fake It til It's Real

Wow, it's been January since my last post...such a slacker.

Updates: January - moved to Cary. February - not much. March - Shamrock half, paced Umstead 100 miler. April - not much. May - Warrior Dash, GA trip, TNT fall season started, Dad's 60th bday. June- Dad retired. July - not much. August - TNT winter season started. September - VA Beach RNR half, Patriots Tri, Mom & Dad's 30th anniversary. October - not much. November - present day. So, now you're caught up. Not enough detail? Too bad.

I’m on my feet I’m on the floor I’m good to go.

I like to run…A LOT
I go barefoot every chance I get
I think pathologists slip in ink blots during tumor board just to test us
I’m addicted to diet mountain dew and coffee
I do happy dances on a regular basis
I love what I do for a living
I smile a lot
I occasionally wear black nail polish just for the hell of it
I live for the moment but only for a nano second because my OCD takes over
I’m pessimistically optimistic
I look up to my brother, both literally and figuratively
My parents are my heroes
My friends know how crazy I am and still love me
I’m conservatively liberal
I celebrate an ANC = 1500 and “no evidence of metastatic disease” and “stable”
I’m clumsy…really clumsy
I second guess myself ALL the time
I’m an adrenaline junkie
I surf on luggage carts
I dance when no one is watching…or least when I think no one is watching
I think microbiology is cool
I love brussel sprouts and spinach
I love to cook
I have blonde moments on a regular basis
My happy place is the beach
I thrive off of sunshine
I can’t sing but insist on singing loudly in the car
I love red wine…and tequila…not together
I have a “Top 25 Goals in Life” list
I would rather play sports than watch them
My middle name is Ambler…yes there is an “L” is there and no it is not misspelled
I like to people watch
I never watch TV shows when they’re actually on...only days later online
I am my Mother’s daughter
I love musicals…and will randomly belt songs out
I am a firm believe that everything happens for a reason
I like to spend Friday nights vegging on the couch only to go running at 7am on Saturday mornings
I hate trust issues
I love running marathons and half marathons
I am inspired by the people who participate with Team in Training
I think Fridays should be celebrated with margaritas
I love to sit at coffee shops and catch up with friends
I am constantly looking for my next challenge
My mom is one of my best friends
I love living in North Carolina
I am mesmerized by the beach, there’s nothing like the water and the sand
I am chronically indecisive
I cannot sit still
I am a beach bum at heart
I am impatient, but am laidback
I love sunrises and sunsets
I believe in miracles, but am hopelessly realistic
I think scars are battle wounds…big and small
I hate wearing makeup
I wish I could live in jeans and t-shirts
I love scary movies
I like antique American cars…and German cars
I can sit all day and listen to my Dad play the piano
I love the color blue
I become silly putty around golden retrievers
I love hugs
I can care less about the outside world when I am cooking with my Mom
I keep all of my race bibs
My middle name is Ambler…yes there is an “L” is there and no it is not misspelled
I believe you can learn something from everyone
I become nostalgic with the smell of salt marsh
I’m perfectly imperfect

and she swears there's nothing wrong

People don't understand. They say it will be fine. They don't understand what it's like to lose the part of you that makes you who you are. The part that is your motivation, your livelihood, your coping mechanism, your passion. People think and comment that it's a good thing. It's a good thing to lose something this important? To lose the sense of control you have in life? Interesting.

It's difficult really. To feel trapped in your own body and mind, to not be able to run free. The fatigue, weakness,and helplessness are overwhelming at times. However, all people can say is "maybe it's for the best" or "you are just overworked." They don't understand what it is like to not be able to do something that is such a large piece of you...and with no end in sight of when these activities can be resumed, when I can get back to my muse.

It's hurts too, to not being able to do anything, both physically and mentally. The aches, the pain, the cramps, the fatigue, looking in the mirror, the exhaustion, the insomnia, the lack of stress relief, the lack of alone moments to think, the time to just be out there without nothing else, no one else.

Who Holds the Stars Up in the Sky

"But I still haven't found what I'm looking for" (U2). In continuation from the last blog, I'm still in search of what is missing, what I'm looking for. Along this search, I have also realized that I am not so sure of things in general. I guess you can cay I am questioning everything. I am not sure of many things right now. This internal uncertainty is making me more introverted, less energetic, and less...happy, which is opposite of my normal hyper, goofy, happy self....the Jamie that 99% of people know.

However, I have discovered a path that may help me recover part of what I feel is missing. To aid me in my journey, as we all know I cannot sit still and do not do well with "free" time, I have decided to go back to floor nursing a few days a month on the weekends. So, while I won't be able to always do my long runs early morning on Saturdays, it will give me something else. I realize that when I worked on 9300, I knew exactly where things stood in my life...for the most part, as somethings you must wait and be patient and some you may never know.

So, in the interim, until I find whatever is missing or my muse as some may call it, I'll just plaster a smile on my face and fake it until it's real again.

"If you happen to find my way, please return it, as it was lost years ago. I imagine by now it's quite rusty." -Whether Man

Someday we'll know...

"Staying in hell because you know all the street names isn't a healthy way to live." -Anonymous

"If you accept what the culture says, it will drive you into the ground. If you build your life on it, on romance or love or success or being thin or being beautiful, you will crush every person under the weight of your expectations. And you will crush yourself under the weight of expectation. Because, there are lots of things that can come to take away your beauty, to take away whatever it may be. The only way to escape our society's idol systems is to have God's love more than anything else." -Gail Obenour

By creating these incredibly, ridiculously high expectations, you alienate yourself from the world and push people away until you are jaded, bitter, and alone. (yours truly)

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Teilhard de Chardin

And what if I return half broken?

Wow. 2009. Another year has passed already? Seriously? Well, it's bound to be another exciting year...right? In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is one of those obligatory "new year" blogs.

So as I am laying here in the wee hours of the morning thinking about random things, as seems to be the case most nights. And I'm thinking about the last year and what 2009 may bring.

Well, over the last couple of months the wonderful XM radio has been playing some "older" tunes as it's been converging with Sirius. Now you're probably wondering where this is leading to and if I have really lost my mind. I promise this will come together and not be too random.

So, back to the music. Well one day, on my way to Duke (because where else would I be going) and I came across the song by Keane, "Somewhere Only We Know." More recently, I have not been able to get this song out of my head, but for some reason one of the lyrics always gets changed in my head, despite the fact I know the correct lyrics.

The song is worded as so:

"I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin..."

And so forth and so on, obviously not the complete lyrics, but you get the idea. Now, the song is obviously addressed to some one's object of affection. The refrain “Oh simple thing where have you gone” is quite catchy. However, as I wrote earlier the lyrics most often get changed in my head and what comes to my mind is “Oh simple faith where have you gone?”

Now for a little self psychoanalysis (as most of you fall off of whatever you are sitting on from laughing hysterically). It's funny that this song came on as I was headed to Duke, because as most folks know, I pretty much have lived at Duke a "fair" amount of the last three years and now I am changing a lyric in my brain to make it sound like I am questioning where something important has gone? I mean seriously, is there a correlation?

Correlation? Why yes. I have worked the last few years on something that I thought would make my life complete. In fact, this accomplishment has left me questioning things more and more. I love what I do, the career path I have chosen, and the INCREDIBLE people I have met along the way, but something just feels like it is missing. I feel as though I have this huge void in my life, which I didn't feel until the last few months.

Now, one hypothesis to this void is that since graduation I have been thrown into a life I have never known: life without school. For so many years, 8 actually, I have lived life working full-time and going to school full-time. Since May I have had a few extra things to distract me such as running, my NP boards, credentialing (aka the bane of my existence), and my increased work schedule. Not sure what the other hypotheses might be as this one seems to be a common one amongst the peanut gallery.

Alright, so to bring this full circle. Obviously, I think my "pathway" and "empty land" are Duke because it has been my home for the last few years and I feel the most comfortable and yet most uncomfortable there (I swear it's a happy medium sometimes). The "simple thing," whether it be faith, happiness, a sense of productivity, etc, is what I believe I am searching for and feeling devoid of.
Make sense?

So, unlike any New Year's resolution I have ever made (because normally it is to lose weight, either geared towards grades for school, or some other concrete goal), my New Year's resolution this year is to find out what is missing...what created this void...and what needs to be placed there to fill it. Hopefully this quest will be accomplished before this time next year.

“All my life I believed I knew something. But then one strange day came when I realized that I knew nothing, yes, I knew nothing. And so words became void of meaning. I have arrived too late at ultimate uncertainty.” -Ezra Pound 1885-1972